Taking the Alabama Case on IVF to Heart: Outlaw Masturbation
If embryos are children, our Psychotic Legal Logic must deem sperm cells pre children and entitled to the protections of the 14th amendment – Also, a word about Hunter Biden
By
David Gottfried
The Supreme Court of the State of Alabama, parched with a lifeless logic that makes the Talmud as exciting as the Tango, embarked on a holy war to reinstate the Middle Ages and solemnly and sadistically decreed that embryos are children.
At the earliest stage of its development, an embryo is but one single, solitary cell – one thousand of them could fit on the head of a pin. But every itty-bitty embryo longs to be born so it can kneel down in a church and belt-out hymns in Jerry Falwell’s favorite choir.
And just as embryos are pining to be born, I am sure sperm cells want to be born too. After all, just look at those little buggers run. They come out of a penis like lava exploding from a volcanic mountain. They charge and charge and storm through the vagina on a mad cap expedition to impregnant a voluptuous, rounded and slightly raunchy little egg cell, beaming with a blithe, sunnyside-up countenance.
What do you think those sperm cells are so eager for ? What do you think the man, who possesses the penis in question, is after. Obviously, that heroic and muscled, manic passion is prompted by the Promethean will to procreate.
And because these sperm cells are so desirous of communing with egg cells, it is a crime, a crime against G-d and Nature and the sexless sanctity of the marriage bed of Mr. and Mrs. Mike Pence, to produce them and then discard them as if they were nothing but sticky jism.
And oh, the fates they suffer! They are wiped-up with coarse and unforgiving towels that mangle and mutilate them; they are thrown in toilets and suffer the tornadic tumult of bowl flushing, they are swept through the hades of sewers and are assaulted by throngs of rats and ugly logs of feces that remind one of perverted, mega tootsie rolls.
Of course, disbelievers and atheistic scum may argue that a sperm cell or an egg cell is not a child because a sperm cell lacks an egg cell and visa versa. This is akin to saying flour is not important in the making of a sweet potato pie because flour, by itself, is not enough to become a sweet potato pie. However, if you keep uttering such devilish thoughts, I am sure a big, buxom Church lady, who has made thousands of sweet potato pies, will happily plunge her rolling pin up your perverted posterior.
I suppose that disbelieving commie scum might also argue that when a man ejaculates, dozens or hundreds or thousands of sperm cells shoot out of his erect rod (I really don’t know if the number is more like 5 dozen or more like 5 thousand –as a pious and primitive resident of Huckleberry-Hushpuppy, Alabama, I am too holy to dirty my mind with science.). Only one of those thousands of sperm copulates with an egg. The others slowly decompose in a bath of vaginal acid. Therefore, the evil doers will argue that life, in its natural state, is bloody and bitter to the core. But the atheists don’t understand that the lord is given license to lacerate us with his “terrible swift sword” while we must kiss the swords that send us to our doom.
And a Word About Hunter Biden:
The Electronic Media’s coverage of Biden, on February 28, 2024, showed us, once again, that the allegedly liberal media is really quite conservative because it buries the facts that redeem the liberal position.
The media simpletons reported that Biden testified for 7 hours, behind closed doors, at a Congressional hearing. The boob tube and computer boob Media did not report that Biden wanted the hearing open, so people could hear what Hunter had to say and draw their own conclusions, while the Republicans wanted the meeting closed so no one heard anything and Republican prima donnas could hysterically regale the media with tales of Biden’s utter, mega corruption. The republicans got their way, the hearing was barred to the public, and the Republican character assassins merrily lied to the press following Hitler’s maxim that a lie told often enough becomes, in the moronic public’s mind, the gospel truth.
Of course, good newspapers told its readers that the Republicans wanted the meeting closed so they could lie about Hunter’s testimony, but most Americans haven’t read a good newspaper in twenty years.
Funny and spot on. What a tortured age we live in, what a damn dumb and pathetic country.