LET’S TAR AND FEATHER TRUMP

LET’S TAR AND FEATHER TRUMP

By

David Gottfried

Introductory Disclaimer: I neither intend, desire, plan, or seek to in any way physically harm Donald Trump nor do I advocate that anyone or group of persons physically harm Trump. This essay is merely a means of letting off steam in a comic manner.

Since Trump is such a treasonous, treacherous, lecherous son of a bitch, he really ought to be put to death per the more imaginative means of torture employed before the French Revolution. I am thinking of the way Damien was killed back in the 17th or 18th century. He had offended the King of France, and he was killed per the time honored and ghoulish practice of being drawn and quartered. This is the sort of stuff of which horror flicks are made so before you read this you might want to smoke some good weed.

A horse was tied to each of his legs and arms. The four horses of his apocalypse were commanded to move in opposite directions. After his skin broke, because the horses had been tearing Damian apart, the executioners stopped the horses because they wanted to ensure that Damien died a grueling and slow death.

The executioners proceeded to pour molten lead on his wounds. Apparently, boiling lead hurts a whole lot. The dying was stretched out for a long time (I don’t recall how long).

As he was dying, a priest recited hokus pokus latin prayers to make it clear that bad people ought to be tortured to death. But then again, for more than a thousand years Europe was routinely drenched with blood because of the alliance between the kings and the priests. The kings oppressed the people, and the priests said if you are suffering, it is not because of our grand and glorious monarch. It’s because the Jews are evil. Besides, if you are good little slavish fools who kiss the feet of the noblemen who whip you (Tolstoy’s grandmother, mad at a serf, beat him till he died. Of course she wasn’t punished. Criminal punishments are only meted out to poor people) you will go to heaven where you can sing cheesy religious songs while you endure that boring monotonous thing called eternity.

If Damien was put to death for opposing monarchical privilege and ruthlessness, then surely we should be willing to impose capital punishment on Donald Trump, a person who is trying to steal the election from Joe Biden and send us hurtling back in time to the starving serfs and sadistic lords of the ancien regime.

Of course, my recommendation to do away with Trump is a form of good healthy fun. I don’t really advise it. We all need to let off steam. If we don’t, we may explode.

If we can’t execute Trump, here’s a form of punishment that is ideal: Tarring and Feathering.

This venerable punishment was inflicted by American revolutionaries on those unfortunates who sided with the British. Tarring and Feathering is ideal for Trump because it is so intensely humiliating. It doesn’t murder, but it might make Trump want to hide his orange head till the day he dies.

First people are stripped nude. This will humiliate Trump because he likes to pretend that he is a big, macho stud. After he is naked the world will see his probably pathetic prick, presumably somewhat obscured by abdominal fat sinking South.

Then the victim is dipped in hot tar.

Finally, he is dipped in a vat of feathers which naturally stick to the tar

It’s very much akin to the way we fry food: Dip your protein in egg, then dip it in breadcrumbs, then throw it in a vat of hot oil.

Of course, we will be humane and not fry Trump. He should be thankful.