BITE-SIZED EXCERPTS FROM MY PERVY, GROOVY NOVEL
BITE-SIZED EXCERPTS FROM MY PERVY, GROOVY NOVEL
By
David Gottfried
Several Years ago I wrote a novel. I had been afraid to send it out lest people marvel and gape at me as only the most rarefied of lunatics could have written such pervy, groovy, smelly smut.
I will now give you the chapter titles, the acknowledgements page and a page, from an imaginary textbook, regarding an imaginary disease.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
'
Page
Acknowledgements 2
Preface: 3 Entry 1204 of the World Atlas of Diseases
Chapter One: 6 The Lube Yourself With Saudi Oil Ball
Chapter Two: 29 Dream Sequence:
BBS – Before Barbara Streisand, i.e., Before Bullshit, There Was
Brooklyn and There Was Stuyvesant
Chapter Three: 40
The Louise Adelman Anal Clinic for Diseases of the Gay Ass
Chapter Four: 49 Dream Sequence:
Shorts and Socks Forever
Chapter Five: 57 Ain’t No Way to Cook Chicken but to Fry it in Lard
Chapter Six: 68
Dream Sequence:
Hey, Man, Wanna Get High With the Cool Guys
Chapter Seven: 84
New York’s Statute of Lady Diana, Enacted for the Benefit of “Crazy White Ladies.”
Chapter Eight: 101 Dream Sequence:
The Beef Jerky that Lasted a Lifetime
Chapter Nine: 103 The Lorena Bobbitt Abortion Clinic and the Thelma and Louise Democratic Club (And a Fight with Eddie the Editor)
Chapter Ten: 154 Dream Sequence:
Traveling in Time and Space to Play Ball with Philip Roth in Newark, New Jersey
Chapter Eleven: 166 The Kinsey and Money Center for Male Uterine Development
Chapter Twelve: 202
Dream Sequence:
The Toughest Faggots in the Wild, Wild West
Chapter Thirteen: 223
The Park Avenue Penis
Chapter Fourteen: 258 Dream Sequence:
A Tribe of Princes
Chapter Fifteen: 267 Sado Masochism in the Mosque
Chapter Sixteen: 279
Dream Sequence:
Even Commercials for Suntan Lotions Get Richard Hard
Chapter Seventeen: 286
The Ass Baby from Hell is Born
Chapter Eighteen: 294
The Men from Brokeback Mountain Come to the Rescue
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
The author must acknowledge, with boundless praise, two brilliant documentaries, “Rosemary’s Baby” and “The Exorcist,” which alerted him to the dangers of the demonic. He only hopes that this little manuscript may takes its place as a junior partner alongside the aforesaid works and that these works, and related expositions, will usher in a re-birth of the Inquisition and impress upon us the need to be forever vigilant in the identification, suppression and eradication of all vice and deviancy.
David Gottfried
New York City
(The Belly of the Beast)
In the year of our lord 2007
PREFACE
ENTRY 1204 OF THE WORLD ATLAS OF DISEASES
Bitchism: Also known Vulgar Fat Ladyitis, Faggot Fever, Miami Momma Malaise.
Incidence and Prevalence: This condition is found almost exclusively among obnoxious women and male homosexuals. The disease reaches epidemic proportions among Black women, Jewish women and male homosexuals in New York.
Symptoms and Signs: Essentially, the patient is extremely ornery. The envy gland is normally inflamed. Levels of egoestrogenia, a derivative of estrogen associated with loud divas, often exceed 400 and can surpass 1000 in cases with a particularly stormy 0course. The patient, if Black, has a propensity to scream “The Jews be causing all the trouble.” The patient, if Jewish, has a predilection to say, “I mean, really, Daahling, these shvatzas are terrible.” If a patient opposes the Iraq War, but also supports Hillary Clinton, a presumptive diagnosis of Bitchism is unavoidable.
Breath sounds are usually normal, rales are absent, although one can hear the echo of Helen Reddy screaming “I am woman hear me roar” in the deepest viscera of the lungs. The heart rate may reveal slight tachycardia and rhythms which approximate a bad remix of seventies disco. The pupils are usually glaring, and the sinuses are often congested in the Woody Allen fashion.
Laboratory values are uniformly all over the place: The White Blood Count is usually normal, although the corpuscles spend most of the time fighting one another instead of infection (See SteingutAdlerRothstein, “The case of the catty lymphocytes” 1998); the Red Blood Count is normal but evinces a proclivity to bind to amphetamine and cocaine as well as oxygen (See Smutzelstein “For colored blood cells who have considered suicide when oxygen isn’t enough” 2001); the sugar may be as high as a chocolate bar; amylase is within normal ranges but shows a propensity to conjugate into amyl nitrate.
Related Conditions: Streisanditis (An enlargement of the Barbara Streisand gland which makes the patient behave like a pain in the ass), Oprah Winfreyitis (hyperplasia of the Oprah gland inducing the patient to utter vacuous platitudes about the meaning of life and weight loss), and malignant Shvatzaitis (characterized by bulbous buttocks, hypertrophic hips, an insatiable need to consume lard, and the tendency to say “You go, girl” at the most inopportune times – See, Blumberkeitzelstein, “Vulgar styles in the Manhattan Landscape” 1999)
Treatment: There is only one treatment and it is invariably very effective: A big, fat cock. In the beginning, penis must be administered twice a day, preferably in hard, jabbing strokes, in the morning and the night. As symptoms abate, penis can be administered only once a day. Other treatments, such as cats, hobbies and spiritual movements (Boring!), have no utility. Psychotherapy almost invariably exacerbates matters. Psychoanalysis is lethal.